I have always admired those people freely living their lives and doing whatever they want whenever and however. I have met a lot of this kind of people; in fact, they surround me. I wanted so bad to be like them – highly independent and ultimately free. I was then gradually being dragged into thinking that “so long as I am not doing harm to anyone, I am not doing anything wrong”. But little did I realize that I was actually doing harm to myself.
Just because I am now of legal age, I became someone who no longer found the need to let my parents know my whereabouts or what I do in life. My mom would approach me and ask me to at least just inform her, she won’t stop me; just knowing where I am and who I’m with would be enough so not to make her worried. I became insensitive of the feelings of the very people who care so much about me just because I want to be “independent” and become the captain of my own ship.
For 23 years of existence I never tasted alcohol. And for the first time, so badly broken, I got myself drunk. Then happened the second, the third, and so on. Nights I would drink alone before going to sleep because I was craving for the taste of beer. Even as of writing I am asking myself why did I ever let that happen. When my longtime friends found out about it they were shocked because they knew that wasn’t me. In a short period of time, I longed for alcohol.
Despite the emotionless connection, I’ve dated for the sake of it. I listened to other people’s opinion on dating in order for me to fully realize what my true values are, to adjust my standards, to assess my preferences. Yes, things were exciting at first. But in the long run, it was really no fun at all. I thought I was learning something new only to realize that I was just opening myself to vulnerability.
I never cared about other people’s opinion about me, I respect that everyone is entitled of their own. But for a moment, deep inside, their perception of me started to penetrate my thoughts about myself. Their validation suddenly became a big deal to me. It manifested in my workplace. I felt the need to be needed. I worked harder and made it a point to show my worth. I took a great sense of pride whenever people commend me of my performance and dedication to work. I was given privileges and I felt entitled.
I became happy outside, lonely inside. I lost my temper almost always. I didn’t know what I wanted anymore. I relied on my impulse.
I misunderstood what freedom and independence meant. I became so full of myself into thinking I can do all things alone… on my own. I thought I can make the right decisions in a worldly concept only to be proven wrong.
I forgot about God, I disregarded His authority over me thinking that this life I’m living right now is mine. I neglected the very truth that no, it is not – it’s God’s and Jesus shed his blood for this and died on the cross to pay for my sins. I was nothing but a passive receiver of a precious gift from my generous Creator – I am a wonderful creation of a Master Potter.
For a moment in my life I may have gone my own way, chose the wrong path, lost a bit of myself, and became someone I was not; but God’s character did not waver, He stood still, made way to bring me back to Him, and He stayed faithful to me. Even if I had already let go, He kept on holding on.
“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord (Romans 8:38-39).”